Mothers: Can we please call a truce??

This article is dedicated to the women and working moms I know who strive to make society better, one choice at a time. I've been so inspired lately by the many women I see starting their own businesses, whether they are raising kids or because they realize they want more out of their life and careers than working 9-5 for the next 30 years. For simply recognizing and admitting out loud that this rat race is not for them, this article is for you.

Can I just start by saying, "Enough already!!" A while ago I read this article on the Huffington Post about the ongoing 'mommy wars' - the supposed fight between stay-at-home moms and career moms in the (ridiculous) quest for ultimate mom supremacy. The article is titled "The Real Reason Working Moms Dislike Other Moms" and was spurred by the recent comments between the wives of U.S. politicians. One critiqued the other for 'never having worked a day in her life' while the other countered that raising 5 boys was work enough, thank you very much.

The article was written by a man, and I only mention this because he wrote a very good and balanced article on the topic - something that, in my opinion has been clearly missing from the conversation (I refuse to call it a debate). Clearly he is tired of observing one camp lobbing insults at the other, and wanted to diffuse the situation by discussing both sides of the so-called mommy war.

Now let's get something straight first off - the fact that I am referring to 'sides' doesn't mean that I agree or even acknowledge that there is a mommy-war. Maybe that is more prevalent in the U.S. or in circles that I don't socialize in, however, the only references I've heard to a mommy-war seem to be media driven, so I'm not entirely sure such a 'war' exists. But I digress...



The author, Rick Newman, discusses the undeniable tension that arises when the conversation turns to working versus staying at home with the kids. I'm not sure that I've personally ever witnessed this tension myself or seen a debate on the topic but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't envious of the moms I hear of that either work part-time, work from home or stay at home. And I don't think I'm alone. I've recently had many conversations with mothers and ALL of them result in the same conclusion: wanting to spend more time raising our children AND having a career. Unfortunately though, by the time we realize that this is what we want rather than returning to work full-time, most of us have already built a life on two incomes and can't find a way around it when the reality of going back to work slaps us in the face.


It is for that reason that I almost curse the feminists of the '60s. This may seem like a harsh statement but here's my reasoning. Those feminists who fought for women to be accepted working outside the home in a 'man's world' turned into the full-time working women of the 70s. The mold was then formed for other modern women to follow in their footsteps because 'times have changed' and so, they got jobs and raised the next generation of women and mothers to think this is the way life is and should be, afterall they fought for that standard of living. And so, the feminism of the '60s seemed to manifest itself in one of the most tangible ways possible - by women being accepted into a social structure that was built around the life of men as the bread winners - where that was their only role. (And this structure I'm referring to was already around for decades by this point. We're talking a structure that was established in a post-industrial revolution society where the work week was structured to limit people to ONLY work 5 or 6 days per week, 8 hours per day so that workers weren't taken advantage of - and it's been that way ever since).

The problem with this structure is two-fold: it was designed for a world that didn't exist any longer in the 1970s, let alone now; and it was designed around workers who for the most part, didn't have to raise children and run the house as well as work full-time. Now fast forward to our society where technology has made our productivity soar yet, we are still mostly confined to very rigid job structures that, in our lifetime, no longer reflect necessity.


After being raised to believe girls can accomplish anything and watch our mothers become educated and hold full-time jobs, most of the women I speak to enjoy striving to learn and have a career. The trouble is, society isn't structured to support a balance with the roles of mother and career woman. Instead, we are supposed to do more with less time, and the only time we discuss ever managing more efficiently is our after work time. I find this archaic and completely ridiculously out-dated. We can do so much more with our time, it's a shame that for the majority, the structure of the work week hasn't evolved with our productivity.

And feminists, like the author interviewed in this Globe and Mail article, who are shuddering at the thought of women voluntarily taking themselves out of the workforce: chill out. This isn't putting women's rights back 40 years either, as this book claims. If anything, it's about being progressive and demanding a change in the way society is structured. If that means removing yourself from the 'traditional' structure of work because you want to dedicate more of your time to raising your family, so be it. Look at the huge jump of women and 'mompreneurs' in the past decade who have started their own business. It's not a coincidence; it's a sign of the times, and a sign that a revolution has already begun.


Maybe the notion I am supporting in this article will be criticized for 'wanting it all', but I think that as a society, we have changed. It's not such an unrealistic expectation for the way we live to change from one generation to the next. It has happened almost every generation before us - why do we need to keep the status quo?

I am not afraid to say that I do want it all! It's not selfish or putting me ahead of the kids and family. It's about redefining the role of a women as both a mother and wife and working member of society. I know that I would not only be a happier person, but this would translate into a happier mom and wife and family life, and by extension, a more productive contributor to society.

Instead of struggling to keep up during the week, only to be exhausted at the end of the night, have barely enough time let alone energy to spend quality time with my husband, I would have the mundane taken care of while spending more time with the kids AND bringing in money because I know I can be productive given certain windows of the day that work best for my schedule. Come the weekend, as a family we could use those cherished two days to do more than playing laundry catch-up, going grocery shopping and running all over to lessons and recitals.


The bottom line is, whether you are a working mom or stay-at-home mom, we each want a bit of what each other has. How about we support each other by trying to find ways to push through change in the structure of employment as we know it, so that we work towards a common goal rather than taking sides and arguing about which choice is best? Tell ring yoyour employer duur next review that you have feedback on the structure of your job. Let our opinions on this be heard whenever there is an opportunity. Write letters like this to the editors of newspapers and magazines to show how hard it is to choose. And most of all, let's cheer each other on while we push through change, knowing that for the time being, neither decision to work or stay at home is without struggle or compromise, but we are all driven by the same desire: to continuing improving the quality of life for our families and society as we raise the next generation of people.


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