This is a post that was written on June 6 at 4:05 am but was not at ease to publish until now.
As I sit here, it’s 4:05 am and I haven’t slept a wink. Normally, with my alarm set to go off at 5:30 am, I would be stressfully counting down the minutes, anxious about not having slept. Blame it on the latte at dinner last night, but somehow by choosing to drink one down, I think my subconscious was preparing me for the hours ahead. You see, today is the first day of the rest of my life. As I type those words, an uncontrollable smile spreads across my face. I feel like I’ve won the lottery. The freedom, the wide open possibilities that lay ahead – stun me. FINALLY, I AM HERE.
When I look back at the past year, there have been so many clarifying moments that seem to only make sense in retrospect, now knowing the role they played in getting me here: the almost perpetual illnesses I seem to face, the inability to continue running and being active, the tragic loss of two small children in our community and how we came to grips with that as a family emphasized what is important in life, the inspirational stories I’ve read about mothers determinedly running family-first businesses, and just the other day, when my oldest daughter asked me why I’m always sick. All of these moments, situations and reflections have led to this point. I don’t want to be that woman anymore. She is not me. I don’t want my daughters growing up to see that once you grow up after toiling away for years at school, your reward is getting up everyday full on feeling deflated at the prospect of spending the next eight hours working in a job that gives you no sense of purpose or satisfaction. It’s wrong. I’m not happy and I refuse to let that situation dictate and control my life any longer.
I want my daughters to be inspired by my work ethic and skill, by my dedication to persevere and chase a dream. I want them to learn those attributes because those are the ones that make life worth living by enjoying every breath rather than waiting around in between the good moments. I want my girls to see me wake up and help them start their day with optimism and love. I want them to see how important the work is that gets you where you want to be, but also that the hard work in and of itself part of the reward… it’s doing something you love, something that truly moves you.
We will see how the next few weeks and months will go. I have no expectations of the future. I have only expectations of myself. For the first time, I feel free, relieved of burden and ready to take on the world. Finally, I am here.