When you're in it, you're in it

When you're in it, you're in it. It's hard to see around it. A rut. A funk. The dumps. What ever you call it, when that's where you are, that's all you can see. I'm in it right now. Actually, I'm on my way back out. But still not totally out yet.

What am I rambling about? Not being able to see the forest for the trees, but even more significant, not being able to imagine ever seeing, being, living, feeling anything differently than I am right now. And I can't really remember it being any other way before either. Like I said, when you're in it, you're really frigging in it.

Maybe it's this time of year...the cusp of spring, the beginning of new life. We aren't there yet, but it's coming and we feel it's imminence in the air, in the longer days and warmer sun. I feel anticipation and anxiousness, but mostly, I feel change is around the corner. I know come summer, when I go through my 'New Year's' phase, I don't want to be in the same spot I was last year. Not that it was bad. It wasn't. It's just not what I want. So I write. I write and think. I write and plan. And then I write some more. Like my husband says, it's like throwing spaghetti at a wall; sooner or later something is bound to stick. So I persist. I hope I have something to show for it soon.

Happy New Year in July

I suppose everyone has a time of the year where things tend to bother them more, or they are more introspective. According to the commercial calendars of western culture, this time is supposed to coincide with the New Year. Personally, I don’t find this to be the case, and I’m sure if people stopped to think about the patterns that naturally emerge in their lives, most would find that while symbolically, the New Year makes sense, it’s probably some other trigger that we find ourselves thinking about what we’ve accomplished, our regrets, our dreams and what we promise to ourselves to change.

For me, that time of the year is July, specifically, it’s the brief two weeks that I take as vacation. The two weeks that I circled from the time I put up the new calendar in January. It’s the two weeks that I day dream about while toiling away at work. It’s the two weeks that, when they finally do arrive, slip away in between sunsets and sandy beaches until I wake up to head back to work.

And that’s when it hits me – This is what I’ve been working for all year? How is it gone before I know it? And I’m left with the remainder of the summer knowing that I won’t be having time off to enjoy much of it. Maybe this quasi-depressed outlook is amplified by our location in a Canadian climate, where the precious 16 weeks of fair weather is sandwiched by months of cold. Ok, that’s a bit overly dramatic but I do wonder if it plays a role in my outlook.

Regardless of the cause, it leads down the same path each time – introspection and taking stock of what I’ve done or am still struggling with 12 months later. I think it’s because I can truly identify where I was and what I was doing the previous year at the same time that I can see my life almost as a display against that background.

Here's hoping that next year, when I look back, I'll be able to see the progress I've made. Maybe a few more of those half-finished projects around the house will see completion. Maybe one of my websites will be up and running. Maybe I'll be doing more of what I love and able to earn a few extra buck from writing. Who knows?

What I do know is for the time-being, as summer fades, I'm moving ahead to keep working at doing more of what I love - writing. I'm also making a resolution to be more positive and enjoy the things I do accomplish, no matter how small, instead of only looking ahead and being deflated by what I still have left to do. Fingers crossed!

A lot of inspiration comes from doing

The blinking cursor is like a child jumping at me to get my attention – anxious, persistent….annoying. So to pacify it, I start writing. And so that is how the story goes. From that leap to just start writing I rediscovered how much I enjoy writing. No...how much I LOVE writing.

I had pushed that passion aside for awhile, but one particularly frustrating day when I was also feeling very defeated (I'll never start my business! I'm not original!) and sorry for myself (I'm doomed to toil away for years in this cubicle!!), I realized I needed an outlet for how I was feeling. So I just began writing. Writing about anything and everything I wanted to explore, externalize, criticize, analyze or just enjoy reflecting upon. This was the best thing I could have done and it led me to take note of some things that often hold us back (I'm assuming I’m not alone in this boat):

• Anne Lamothe is right – writing means getting it all out on paper, starting with a 1-inch frame of vision and not giving a crap because first drafts should be shitty. It’s like the go-button for verbal diarrhea. But amidst the outpouring of ideas and words, may be a few gems that would never have seen the light of day had you not plummeted through paragraphs of garbage first. I am actually quite amazed that this really works. Our brain works in crazy ways our conscious mind can't even get, and we have so much stored in there, but often no desire to go sifting through the clutter. Seeing what develops or is uncovered in your own mind is like watching your own hand moving on a Ouija board. It's all in there and seems to take on a life of it's own when the dark corners are lit up and swept out.

• This leads to my second insight – just go with it. I’ve made a point to consciously recognize potential material from the most trivial, mundane things to the completely obvious. I let my mind wander now, with an awareness of an observer, wondering where it will take me. It’s pretty fun and has validated daydreaming. Letting your mind wander is way more productive than we are raised to believe it is. I think the notion to curb daydreaming was probably set out by the "doers" in society. They were probably just jealous of a daydreamer's creativity.

• We are our own worst enemy. Sure, we’ve all heard it before, but this enemy takes so many forms and appears at so many times in our lives, that I firmly believe we often don't recognize this enemy staring us in the face. We mistake it for our practical mind, or tell ourselves we are being realistic when in reality we are stopping ourselves in our tracks. This goes hand-in-hand with Anne Lamothe’s chapter in Bird by Bird, called ‘Shitty First Drafts’. It really puts into perspective how contrary our own mind can be. We cannot create and criticize at the same time. Our brains won't allow it. That’s why the first draft (or the brainstorming or the daydreaming, or the wish-listing) should be allowed to incubate and grow away from our critical mind that can't help but pick it apart. This not only to writing but also to our aspirations in life. For example, I realized that I’m the one telling myself that my writing isn’t good enough, or I’m not established enough or different/unique enough or that someone already is doing this or that, so why bother at all??!! You get the picture. I’m stunting any possibility for growth with that kind of thinking. I’m not letting my aspirations incubate and grow to see where they lead.

• Lastly, although my husband said this a while ago (and yes, it is yet another example of him saying something, me not ‘getting’ it the first time around, and then months later, having a ‘Ah-Ha!’ moment as the pieces fall into place). He told me when I was plotting my way to entrepreneur extraordinaire as writer (I'm writing a book) and decorator of kid's rooms and painter of artwork for children (I want to start a business), to put all the planning and number crunching and dream-busting self-criticism aside and “focus on creating" first. I scoffed at this horse-before-cart-mentality. Why on earth would I want to have paintings just sitting around with no business set up through which to sell them? But he couldn’t have been more right. There is a certain power and inspiration that comes from doing, especially when you are doing it because you love it. Though I haven’t landed any blog-writing jobs or a freelance assignments, nor have I been hired to consult on an interior design for kids segment in my favourite magazine (Style at Home btw, if any of their editors are reading this), I am writing with a renewed passion and less self-criticism.

I hope that I am honest and don't limit myself, that others will also see how genuine and passionate I am in my work. Who knows? Maybe it will pave the way for some welcome changes to my incoming-earning years ahead of me.