It’s messy. Why is January so tough despite promising myself I wouldn’t let it be this year? Why do I only notice things are going downhill when they’re already near the bottom? Why, despite consciously promising myself to be as positive as possible, I’m still feeling/looking at things negatively? Why does my subconscious prefer to disagree with my conscious decision to ‘enjoy winter’? Why do I feel pathetic even writing this down when I know other people have tragic and horrible things to deal with? Why do I feel so uninspired at a time when I have so many enticing ideas to work on? Is it that I feel uninspired or discouraged? Why is it that all I want to do is curl up into a ball and shut out the world and be inside my head? Why can’t I sleep well? Why has it been so hard to start back at the gym? Do I need a life coach? Is it indulgent that I want one? It is because I am lazy?
I like being by myself. I like the silence of winter. I like the image of sun breaking over a cold field. I like the frost and the cold when I am warm. I like the welcome of a cabin cushioned at the lakeside with snow-covered trees. I want to sit at a window in the loft of this cabin, in the morning when the light is pale, looking out at a frozen lake. Waiting. Thinking. Typing. Contemplating. Wondering. Dreaming. I have visions of that desk and the vista beyond the window. I see it in summer, I see it in fall, and now in winter. I see this as a place my mind retreats to where I think I will be inspired so much that work will be no effort at all. I have things to say, ideas to share, opinions to broadcast, but they are a jumbled, disorganized mess. I am not sure which way is up, what comes first or where to begin. Begin at the beginning would be the most logical place. And where ever I start is the beginning. My ideas are all over the road. So am I. What is up?
